I need to apologize for my radio silence the last month. It has been a crazy month of travel (two weeks in Europe, and a 4 other mini trips–AND it was our anniversary! <3) but the real reason, if I’m being totally honest with myself and the public at large, is that I am really assessing my life and my situation. I will do a recap of my (business) Euro trip complete with foodie photos but right now I want to share something that is…deep, I guess? I am incredibly uncomfortable to share this long-winded post but here goes nothin’ and I hope that it helps some of my fellow EoE people and also the parents who have been following… I wrote this on my plane ride home from Europe and had all of the feels while writing and editing…and maybe a few tears:
**Edit: I have received a lot of messages asking for the article I mention below that inspired this blog post– it is the last article in the APFED patient stories page that is linked on my home page.
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I recently read a patient story written by a 13 year old boy with EoE. He entitled his story “Choosing Life.” His story is so impressive and it goes to show how resilient kids can be. It really hit home for me because ever since I was diagnosed, I had to continue to make a conscious decision to choose life. I admire this kid and his drive to overcome. It is so easy to throw yourself a never-ending pity party, but what would your life be then? I will be the first to admit that I probably need to slow down and make some serious changes to my life in order to improve not only my current health but my long term health. But it’s very hard to just up and make said changes.
Disclaimer: I usually try to be a light-hearted and funny—or, at least, make myself chuckle as I’m writing. 🙂 But I need to get down to the heart of the matter in this post so I am writing this on a more serious note.
I have heard from a lot of parents who have been following my blog because they are wondering how EoE will impact their now-child in adulthood. I’m here to tell you (and show you) that they can, and will, thrive if they choose to. Although I was not diagnosed with EoE until I was 27, I suffered seriously my whole life. I will publish a post on that crazy story. Stay tuned and get excited because that’s a wild one.
Anywho, I am currently going through a mini crisis because I am not sure how to align my career and personal goals with my health goals. I think that if you ask one of my friends, colleagues, or family to describe me in three words, one of them would probably be “hard working.” (Okay, that’s two words…you get my point!!) I owe a lot of this to my mama, who is one of the hardest working people I have ever met. If you want to meet someone who can teach you a thing or two about overcoming adversity and doing so with a smile on your face, go talk to her. I have simply always wanted to succeed and be a good person, I think to an almost obsessive, unhealthy degree, quite honestly. I have worked my butt off all throughout high school, playing multiple sports and dancing, taking AP and honors classes, being way overinvolved in extra-curricular activities outside of athletics, while maintaining a 4.3 GPA. In retrospect, I put a crazy sense of pressure on myself.
When I graduated high school, my mom asked me what lessons I learned in high school that I would take with me to college. I told her that I learned a hard lesson: to not be so over-involved because your activities stop being fun and start being exhausting. Well, my advice to myself lasted all of one semester in college. Then it was freaking full steam ahead—taking 18-20 credits a semester to graduate with two majors and two minors, having three internships, maintaining a 3.75-4.0 GPA, studying abroad, and being in seven, YES SEVEN, organizations (five of which I held leadership positions) at one time. Oh, and I had a part time job. WTF was I thinking?!?!?! I was thinking that I wanted to make an impact. I wanted to be successful. I wanted to get a good job right out of college, make good enough money to be entirely self-sufficient, and begin my career. Thanks to the role model of my oldest step sister, I knew I wanted to be in medical device, which is one tough industry to break into and become successful in.
This whole time, I had some pretty serious health issues. Sometimes, I admit, I let them get the best of me—more on that later. But I kept coming back to the point where I refused to give up. I chose life every single time. And I wanted to have a special life, not just a pretty good life for being “the sick girl.” I wanted to kick ass and take names!!! When I left college, my health was definitely teetering and I decided that I needed to take control if I was going to up and move to Atlanta, Georgia for my first job and leave behind every single person I knew. So I started running. A lot. And I completely changed my diet. I didn’t realize then why I felt so much better (…my body violently rejects most foods that are bad for you, it turns out…) but now I do.
So fast forward seven years, I find my motivation in feeling strong. I have run about 30 half and full (+ longer) marathons, I found mental and physical strength in the practice of vinyasa yoga, married a Marine Corps officer (ooh-rah!) and went through deployment and long periods of separation, I have worked my way up to managing all global physician and employee education for an entire division in the largest medical device company in the world, I have stood up in front of groups of all sizes and presented on lung cancer to physicians of all types, all over the world (Me! Little old me! What?!). And, by the way, I love my work. I am emotionally satisfied in my line of work (and love my boss) and that means a lot to me. I feel strong. I have chosen life. I am strong, dammit!
But what is the point of blogging if I just pretend that I am awesome and totally okay? Because I am ready to admit that I am not okay. Not all the time. People, I have to tell you, sometimes I feel strong and sometimes I can honestly barely get out of bed. A few months ago, I came home from a trip to China and Japan with a 103 degree fever and literally could not get up for 72 hours. I went from sleeping in bed to sleeping on the couch back to sleeping in bed. Sometimes I cry when I have to leave for the airport for a work trip because I am so exhausted and am so sick of eating at restaurants and, subsequently, feeling sick all of the time. Sometimes I have to force myself to go outside and see friends. Sometimes when I am home, I just don’t have the energy to make small talk with neighbors. Sometimes I can’t even run…or walk…three miles. Sometimes I go 10 straight days with throwing up at least once a day. Sometimes I throw up so violently until I have blood in my vomit from tearing my throat…but then I wash my face, brush my teeth, and leave my hotel room to go to work meetings. Sometimes, especially when I’m working in Asia, I look at the table at a work dinner and I know I can’t eat a single thing there but I can’t offend the culture and I just eat it anyway. Sometimes I can’t swallow my food when I am with colleagues or physicians, I start to feel a sense of panic because I can’t fully breathe, and I need to excuse myself to try to get it out of my esophagus.
All of that said, what can I do? Do I just give up everything that I’ve worked for my whole life? I can’t… I have to choose life. Because if I don’t choose life, what do I have left? I lose.
The point of this post; however, is to help you and myself understand that sometimes choosing life does not necessarily mean to force the life you thought you wanted. Maybe I need to make some changes to live a healthier life where my strength shines in different ways and I feel strong more often and for longer periods of time. Maybe choosing life doesn’t mean climbing the corporate ladder and working 60-100 hours a week, traveling the whole world 75% of the time (although that’s pretty sweet). Maybe choosing life means finding a balance where I do meaningful work but come home every night, run and practice yoga more frequently but less aggressively, and spend more time caring for my body, my amazing husband, and our puppies. I don’t think that because I have EoE I need to give up my entire career, but maybe just this type of career. Maybe I just need to learn to be a little less hard on myself and my body. I am confident that I can live a relatively normal life and get my aforementioned symptoms under control if I could take a step back from my current lifestyle and move into a more “normal” role.
And yet.. these questions still exist:
Would I be giving in to the “disease”?
Would I be using my “health problems” as an excuse to take a step back?
Would all of my insanely hard work that I put in for about 20 years of my life go to waste?
How could I ever justify giving up my dream career?
If I did take a step back, would that be considered a failure?
These are all the questions that I make myself crazy with. I am not exaggerating—I actually think I’m going crazy sometimes—ask my husband who also acts as my therapist. Again, he’s amazing.
{Sigh} Welcome to my life. My real, exposed life. Is anyone else experiencing something like this?
Running Ragnar (a 200 mile running relay) in Southern California–This photo was taken 4 months after I started traveling for work and the month before I was hospitalized while traveling to Minneapolis and then diagnosed with EoE. (And no, that’s not a real tattoo on my thigh-just a temporary one!!) 🙂
One of my favorite shots from my wedding day–August 16, 2013–Happy anniversary to me!! And look at that handsome husband next to me!!
part time world traveler + full time eoe patient 